Obama has a long lost son who is somehow an eighteen year old
Betty Yang, Editor-in-chief
March 31, 2012
Filed under The Bacon
Eighteen years sure seems like a long time, especially if your father is the President of the United States of America. But destiny is great upon 18-year-old Randolph Lee Stagg (now Randolph Lee Stagg Obama) who, the CIA revealed last week, is the long-lost son of Barack Obama.
Obama never knew that he had a son until two weeks ago, when Stagg’s mother went to Washington for a business trip.
She didn’t think that Obama would be there because he had been out of the country, building a house for the orphans. But because of Obama’s astounding skills, they were able to finish earlier than expected.
“I was surprised to have seen him again but it is what it is,” said Stagg’s mother, who doesn’t want to be named.
With the unexpected appearance of Obama, she booked the earliest flight back to Minnesota. When she arrived home, Stagg heard a loud cry from her room.
“I really thought that I was just hearing things, but I was daring enough to go towards her room where I found her lying on the ground crying,” said Stagg.
Everything became chaotic towards the Stagg family, but eventually the truth revealed itself when Obama followed Mrs. Stagg to Minnesota to find out the truth. With Obama’s popularity, the paparazzi followed him in secret and took photos of him knocking at her front door.
Like any typical 18-year-old, Stagg was in the living room playing Modern Warfare 3 with his buddies while his mother gets the door. At first, he said, it was “scary because [his] mom slammed the door and shut off the video game for no reason.”
When Stagg was forced up to his room all he heard was Obama’s voice. “We need a change,” said Obama.
“When I heard that, I knew it was the President,” Stagg said. “I mean it was so cool! I wanted my friends to be jealous of me ‘cause I had the President at my front door.”
For a short amount of time, Stagg’s mother punched Obama to get out of her house. Obama took a chance and climbed up a tree that leads to Stagg’s window. “He was just a desperate man who only hoped to see his son,” said a reporter from The Beacon.
After a hectic conversation with the Stagg family, his family agreed to letting Lee Stagg go. His mother believes that Obama can provide the things that she can’t.
Stagg now resides in Washington, in the White House, with his biological father. His weekly allowance is $100,000, which makes him the richest 18-year-old in the United States. Although he has moved, his private jet takes him to school in Minnesota every day, so becoming his friend is easy. “All you really have to do is compliment on his looks and he’s hooked,” said a student at Harding. “He’s really easy or maybe he just wants to be coolest kid knowing that he has a lot of money and every girl should really go for him, not because he’s popular but because he’s really rich now.”
Stagg has some advice for students who want to know him better. “I love donuts and candy,” said Stagg. “People should really get to know me cause I hang out with Drake, Wiz Khalifa, ghetto swagger and John Cena. I’m like known for the coolest name ever, ‘Fiddy,’ because I like 50 cent but just don’t want to copy him.”
Some students agree that he can become a star through Obama’s popularity with society. According to the producer of ‘That’s so Raven,’ Stagg has a chance of becoming the next Raven Simon under one condition. “I want him to help wake me up to a gorilla mask because I heard he was an expert and my employees can never wake me up after boring movies,” said Jiddy (named after meeting Fiddy).
Stagg’s popularity has stepped up as students have found out that he’s the President’s son. Everyone is looking forward on his future with society.